while doing research for work i had another moment of pure gratitude at how blessed i am with the parents i was given. i want to express that i am always aware that i am a pretty lucky individual when it comes to parents but occasionally something will strike me with an "a-ha" moment that just makes me feel that much stronger about this belief. in today's world you might say that my family is not exactly the norm but it isn't exactly far from it either. My parents are still married after being together for nearly 34 years (married almost 32 of those). They are still happy together and they have raised 2 daughters who have been successful thus far in life. however, this isn't really to talk about their history so much as it is to express my appreciation for something they did/do.
i have been digging through research, blogs, articles, vlogs, and whatever else i could get my hands on to understand what kids feel is encouragement from their parents and when/why they need it. i am somewhat disheartened at the large amount of things coming up from kids talking about "my parents hate me" or "my parents don't support _______". i started to question is this just typical child behavior of "poor me! everyone hates me" or is it really that these parents don't give their child the simple act of support or encouragement?
i would by lying if i told you that i never felt like my parents didn't like me or that they were supportive of every choice that i have ever made. let's face it, i made some pretty dumb choices at times growing up (although my dad and sister might tell you that i made more than necessary :oP) and knowing how much of a brat i could be back then... i probably wouldn't like me from time to time either. yet, on a whole i don't know that i ever honestly questioned my parents love for me and my parents were generally pretty supportive of the things that i chose to do.
growing up i made my life's mission to be different from my sister. i am sure my parents never verbally compared me to her (as in they never said "why can't you be more like her") although as parents i can't imagine that you don't make mental comparisons. while they didn't compare me to her, i did. since j and i are so different, i mean we are talking black and white, i made it an effort to flaunt those differences. that was more for her discomfort than my parents. the story of my divergence from j's life will have to be for another time, but it is necessary to point out that my parents had two very different children to deal with as we grew up.
despite my differences from my sister, they supported me *mostly* as i marched to my own drum beat. when i wanted to take up theater my parents supported me and encouraged my passion to act. note that the theater kids most everywhere are typically considered the "freaks" or "screw-ups" and this was no different in my school. through it all they were there for my performances (not every single one like some crazy fanatic parent, but enough to acknowledge the hard work i had put in to this activity). they also never expressed to me that they were worried that i was going to be a "freak" (my sister did this plenty though so perhaps they felt it was taken care of). when i had volleyball games in middle school, i can remember seeing my mom sitting in the stands cheering me on. when i joined the sorority in college, something no one in my family thought was going to happen, they came to events and listened to my stories with at least some small level of enthusiasm. in each choice they made an effort to have a physical presence to show support when needed and if they disagreed with choices they made their efforts to keep those thoughts to themselves.
this isn't to say that they didn't have their own set of guidelines for their support and these were very apparent! when i wanted to join band i couldn't play just any instrument and when i wanted to quit band i had to give it at least a year in high school before i made that choice. when i no longer wanted to play volleyball i was allowed to quit. when i wanted to attend ISU for college, i wasn't told no but it was explained that they would contribute as much as they would if i was attending an in-state college (my alma mater is not ISU fyi). so yes they guided some choices and behaviors but in the end they let me make my own choices. some of those choices were good ones (i loved my time at PITT) while some of them are ones that i will always regret (should have stuck with volleyball).
it is also important to mention that some choices i have made have not been fully supported (or supported at all) by my family... the bar in my tongue and the tattoo on my back were not exactly met with open arms. sometimes they just don't agree with or like my choices in self expression. despite their dislike of my choices they still love me and are still there for me when i need them. i can't imagine what a life would be like without that knowledge that i could fall back on them if i needed. their support runs deeper than a choice by choice basis. they support me and encourage me to do my best and be who i can be.
in regards to my research i think i will have to be aware of my jaded perception of a parents support. i will also probably do more digging just to validate or disprove the apparent "norm" that parents just don't support or encourage their child. i think if the case is that parents really don't support their children in their chosen paths... we are in for a very difficult future. oh and i will have to transfer my psych degree from business to therapy! :o)
Friday, September 17, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
choices
tonight the thought of choices has been swimming around in my head. every day of our lives we are faced with choices. in all honesty, just about every thing we do is some sort of a choice starting with the choice to get out of bed in the morning or to hit snooze for another 9 minutes. some choices, in the grand scheme of things, are rather insignificant...'do i wear these pants or that skirt?' while others might have a bit more of an impact on your life...'do i eat the apple or the muffin?'
with each choice we shape and define our future. some of these choices are honestly rather simple to make. we are guided by the long term effects of where each choice may lead. do i go to work today or do i stay home? the answer to that depends more on how much you want to keep your job and less on your desire to stay home. unfortunately, not all choices are this simple, the path's aren't always clear cut so to speak.
in these cases i am often reminded of the robert frost poem "the road not taken". frost chose the road that was less traveled by the others. not to say he created his own path, if that was the case the poem would read something more like "two roads diverged in a wood and i took a left at the old tree stump and climbed over some rocks and beat down some bushes to blaze a new trail". instead he took the road that wasn't the norm but still clearly led somewhere. fingers crossed of course that it didn't take him in to a dead end or off a cliff since my experience with woods is that their signage leaves something to be desired.
still what about those of us that are stuck at a fork in the road with no real knowledge of where either path might lead? they aren't paths that others have tread before. both are filled with their own obstacles to overcome and very little light shining through the trees to advise you of the dangers that might lie ahead.
many times in my life i have felt myself at this fork *cue green day song*. in my head it plays much like a scene from a movie. always fall (probably because woods always seem prettier in the fall), and i spend countless hours deliberating each path. pacing in front of them, sitting on the ground and throwing rocks or pulling up grass while mulling over the options that lie ahead of me. i will be the first to admit that sometimes i have chosen the wrong path. definitely should have gone right instead of left at the last turn. but then again i am directionally challenged in the non-metaphorical sense so it only comes to reason that i would be metaphorically directionally challenged as well.
still with my good and bad choices alike i find that i tend to make these choices much harder than others. after making my choice and moving forward in that direction my mind begins to hesitate and question my judgment. did i make the right choice? what would have happened if i chose differently? did i really think through all of the possible options? at times i think i have to will myself not to turn around and change my mind when there is really no reason to change it but fear.
tonight i realized that it has been a while since i have had to stand at this particular juncture. sure i have had to make some difficult choices but honestly there has been something to help guide me toward my choice be it the potential outcome or just the pure adventure of one choice over another. it made me wonder, is it that i am more confident in my choices or is it that i have chosen a path that has made life a little easier to tread for a while?
either way...tomorrow i will wake up, get out of bed (after hitting snooze about 4 times), put on that brown skirt, grab my apple, and head in to work for the day. celebrating the simple choices but embracing the possibility of some more challenging ones that might be on the horizon.
with each choice we shape and define our future. some of these choices are honestly rather simple to make. we are guided by the long term effects of where each choice may lead. do i go to work today or do i stay home? the answer to that depends more on how much you want to keep your job and less on your desire to stay home. unfortunately, not all choices are this simple, the path's aren't always clear cut so to speak.
in these cases i am often reminded of the robert frost poem "the road not taken". frost chose the road that was less traveled by the others. not to say he created his own path, if that was the case the poem would read something more like "two roads diverged in a wood and i took a left at the old tree stump and climbed over some rocks and beat down some bushes to blaze a new trail". instead he took the road that wasn't the norm but still clearly led somewhere. fingers crossed of course that it didn't take him in to a dead end or off a cliff since my experience with woods is that their signage leaves something to be desired.
still what about those of us that are stuck at a fork in the road with no real knowledge of where either path might lead? they aren't paths that others have tread before. both are filled with their own obstacles to overcome and very little light shining through the trees to advise you of the dangers that might lie ahead.
many times in my life i have felt myself at this fork *cue green day song*. in my head it plays much like a scene from a movie. always fall (probably because woods always seem prettier in the fall), and i spend countless hours deliberating each path. pacing in front of them, sitting on the ground and throwing rocks or pulling up grass while mulling over the options that lie ahead of me. i will be the first to admit that sometimes i have chosen the wrong path. definitely should have gone right instead of left at the last turn. but then again i am directionally challenged in the non-metaphorical sense so it only comes to reason that i would be metaphorically directionally challenged as well.
still with my good and bad choices alike i find that i tend to make these choices much harder than others. after making my choice and moving forward in that direction my mind begins to hesitate and question my judgment. did i make the right choice? what would have happened if i chose differently? did i really think through all of the possible options? at times i think i have to will myself not to turn around and change my mind when there is really no reason to change it but fear.
tonight i realized that it has been a while since i have had to stand at this particular juncture. sure i have had to make some difficult choices but honestly there has been something to help guide me toward my choice be it the potential outcome or just the pure adventure of one choice over another. it made me wonder, is it that i am more confident in my choices or is it that i have chosen a path that has made life a little easier to tread for a while?
either way...tomorrow i will wake up, get out of bed (after hitting snooze about 4 times), put on that brown skirt, grab my apple, and head in to work for the day. celebrating the simple choices but embracing the possibility of some more challenging ones that might be on the horizon.
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