a face in the crowd

while doing research for work i had another moment of pure gratitude at how blessed i am with the parents i was given. i want to express that i am always aware that i am a pretty lucky individual when it comes to parents but occasionally something will strike me with an "a-ha" moment that just makes me feel that much stronger about this belief. in today's world you might say that my family is not exactly the norm but it isn't exactly far from it either. My parents are still married after being together for nearly 34 years (married almost 32 of those). They are still happy together and they have raised 2 daughters who have been successful thus far in life. however, this isn't really to talk about their history so much as it is to express my appreciation for something they did/do.

i have been digging through research, blogs, articles, vlogs, and whatever else i could get my hands on to understand what kids feel is encouragement from their parents and when/why they need it. i am somewhat disheartened at the large amount of things coming up from kids talking about "my parents hate me" or "my parents don't support _______". i started to question is this just typical child behavior of "poor me! everyone hates me" or is it really that these parents don't give their child the simple act of support or encouragement?

i would by lying if i told you that i never felt like my parents didn't like me or that they were supportive of every choice that i have ever made. let's face it, i made some pretty dumb choices at times growing up (although my dad and sister might tell you that i made more than necessary :oP) and knowing how much of a brat i could be back then... i probably wouldn't like me from time to time either. yet, on a whole i don't know that i ever honestly questioned my parents love for me and my parents were generally pretty supportive of the things that i chose to do.

growing up i made my life's mission to be different from my sister. i am sure my parents never verbally compared me to her (as in they never said "why can't you be more like her") although as parents i can't imagine that you don't make mental comparisons. while they didn't compare me to her, i did. since j and i are so different, i mean we are talking black and white, i made it an effort to flaunt those differences. that was more for her discomfort than my parents. the story of my divergence from j's life will have to be for another time, but it is necessary to point out that my parents had two very different children to deal with as we grew up.

despite my differences from my sister, they supported me *mostly* as i marched to my own drum beat. when i wanted to take up theater my parents supported me and encouraged my passion to act. note that the theater kids most everywhere are typically considered the "freaks" or "screw-ups" and this was no different in my school. through it all they were there for my performances (not every single one like some crazy fanatic parent, but enough to acknowledge the hard work i had put in to this activity). they also never expressed to me that they were worried that i was going to be a "freak" (my sister did this plenty though so perhaps they felt it was taken care of). when i had volleyball games in middle school, i can remember seeing my mom sitting in the stands cheering me on. when i joined the sorority in college, something no one in my family thought was going to happen, they came to events and listened to my stories with at least some small level of enthusiasm. in each choice they made an effort to have a physical presence to show support when needed and if they disagreed with choices they made their efforts to keep those thoughts to themselves.

this isn't to say that they didn't have their own set of guidelines for their support and these were very apparent! when i wanted to join band i couldn't play just any instrument and when i wanted to quit band i had to give it at least a year in high school before i made that choice. when i no longer wanted to play volleyball i was allowed to quit. when i wanted to attend ISU for college, i wasn't told no but it was explained that they would contribute as much as they would if i was attending an in-state college (my alma mater is not ISU fyi). so yes they guided some choices and behaviors but in the end they let me make my own choices. some of those choices were good ones (i loved my time at PITT) while some of them are ones that i will always regret (should have stuck with volleyball).

it is also important to mention that some choices i have made have not been fully supported (or supported at all) by my family... the bar in my tongue and the tattoo on my back were not exactly met with open arms. sometimes they just don't agree with or like my choices in self expression. despite their dislike of my choices they still love me and are still there for me when i need them. i can't imagine what a life would be like without that knowledge that i could fall back on them if i needed. their support runs deeper than a choice by choice basis. they support me and encourage me to do my best and be who i can be.

in regards to my research i think i will have to be aware of my jaded perception of a parents support. i will also probably do more digging just to validate or disprove the apparent "norm" that parents just don't support or encourage their child. i think if the case is that parents really don't support their children in their chosen paths... we are in for a very difficult future. oh and i will have to transfer my psych degree from business to therapy! :o)

choices

tonight the thought of choices has been swimming around in my head. every day of our lives we are faced with choices. in all honesty, just about every thing we do is some sort of a choice starting with the choice to get out of bed in the morning or to hit snooze for another 9 minutes. some choices, in the grand scheme of things, are rather insignificant...'do i wear these pants or that skirt?' while others might have a bit more of an impact on your life...'do i eat the apple or the muffin?'
with each choice we shape and define our future. some of these choices are honestly rather simple to make. we are guided by the long term effects of where each choice may lead. do i go to work today or do i stay home? the answer to that depends more on how much you want to keep your job and less on your desire to stay home. unfortunately, not all choices are this simple, the path's aren't always clear cut so to speak.
in these cases i am often reminded of the robert frost poem "the road not taken". frost chose the road that was less traveled by the others. not to say he created his own path, if that was the case the poem would read something more like "two roads diverged in a wood and i took a left at the old tree stump and climbed over some rocks and beat down some bushes to blaze a new trail". instead he took the road that wasn't the norm but still clearly led somewhere. fingers crossed of course that it didn't take him in to a dead end or off a cliff since my experience with woods is that their signage leaves something to be desired.
still what about those of us that are stuck at a fork in the road with no real knowledge of where either path might lead? they aren't paths that others have tread before. both are filled with their own obstacles to overcome and very little light shining through the trees to advise you of the dangers that might lie ahead.
many times in my life i have felt myself at this fork *cue green day song*. in my head it plays much like a scene from a movie. always fall (probably because woods always seem prettier in the fall), and i spend countless hours deliberating each path. pacing in front of them, sitting on the ground and throwing rocks or pulling up grass while mulling over the options that lie ahead of me. i will be the first to admit that sometimes i have chosen the wrong path. definitely should have gone right instead of left at the last turn. but then again i am directionally challenged in the non-metaphorical sense so it only comes to reason that i would be metaphorically directionally challenged as well.
still with my good and bad choices alike i find that i tend to make these choices much harder than others. after making my choice and moving forward in that direction my mind begins to hesitate and question my judgment. did i make the right choice? what would have happened if i chose differently? did i really think through all of the possible options? at times i think i have to will myself not to turn around and change my mind when there is really no reason to change it but fear.
tonight i realized that it has been a while since i have had to stand at this particular juncture. sure i have had to make some difficult choices but honestly there has been something to help guide me toward my choice be it the potential outcome or just the pure adventure of one choice over another. it made me wonder, is it that i am more confident in my choices or is it that i have chosen a path that has made life a little easier to tread for a while?
either way...tomorrow i will wake up, get out of bed (after hitting snooze about 4 times), put on that brown skirt, grab my apple, and head in to work for the day. celebrating the simple choices but embracing the possibility of some more challenging ones that might be on the horizon.

celebrating freedom with michaels story

tomorrow is the 4th. a day that is known for fireworks, hot dogs, burgers, picnics, friends and family, and a nation celebrating it's freedom. i must admit that every year at this time i find it somewhat bittersweet.

growing up in a military community i have a strong sense of appreciation and pride for the military. i have grown up with their children, served them food (and frosty beverages) in the jobs i held, and even had the privilege of working for the Army for a year. i have seen these people in their every day lives as well as in their professional field. many of my friends have joined the services or have become my friends because they were stationed in my home town. each one having a profound impact on my life and gaining a respect that can never be diminished because of their willingness to step in to their uniform.

every year one of these people comes to my mind consistently. my friend maj. michael green. two and a half years ago michael made the ultimate sacrifice. there isn't really a day that goes by that i don't think of him, but on days that are set aside to celebrate the men and women of the armed forces his memory is always so much stronger.

i had the great privilege of meeting michael while he was "doing time" in leavenworth for cgsc. he began coming to the bar i was working at for beverages and meeting up with a couple other fellas that were also attending cgsc. while michael was only present on the weekends (greg and mikey were pretty much daily staples during their year in lv) his infectious smile and witty personality were enough to endear him to the staff after only a visit or two. he was the true representation of a southern gentleman. hailing from louisiana, he had a soft southern accent, was tall, dark haired, genuinely attractive but unaware of this, would open doors, give up his seat, and always include others in the conversations. above all, he had a true passion for his work. i have met many people in the various branches but i have yet to meet a person that was so passionate about serving his country as michael was. second to his passion for service was his love of his family (including his twin sister michelle), his love of boats, a cold mgd, and the love he developed while in leavenworth for an old friend of mine from preschool, lora. i began to look forward to visiting with michael when he would come to the bar. the stories he would tell and his lively personality were much like a light to a moth. you couldn't help but be drawn in.

for those unaware of how cgsc works, the students come to the school for a years time. to me this may be one of the hardest situations i had to deal with while in lv. although you are aware that people in the military will be re-stationed after a few years, with cgsc there is only 1 short year to spend with them. in the year that michael was there he was one of the 3 men that endeared themselves in my heart for the rest of my life (greg and mikey being the other two). i had the privilege of celebrating birthday's, holidays, graduations, relationships starting and even some ending, and many other life moments that occur in a years time. as june of 2007 approached we began to cherish those moments we spent together a little bit more because we knew they were becoming fewer. one of the last nights i recall getting to spend as a whole group was for my birthday. it was not a birthday of any significance but i treasure the photos and memories from that night because it was the first and only birthday that michael was present for.

that june my friends were scattered to the winds when michael, mikey, and greg left us. mikey was re-stationed to ft. riley (where is still is but is currently serving us in the big sand box), greg went to north carolina, and michael left for germany. shortly after arriving to germany he was called to serve in afghanistan. michael was doing work around ieds, a clearly dangerous mission but again his passion was in his work so he didn't complain. on january 7th, my friend michael was killed by an ied. when i heard the story of the night before my admiration for this great man grew more than i even thought it could.

i have been told that the night before (jan 6) one of the men in michaels unit had become a proud father with his wife back home. in an act of brotherhood michale offered to take this young mans place that night for duty so he could celebrate this great news. michael left to go invesigate an ied that had gone off, while out on this mission another remote control ied was set off. my friend michael was gone. over the next few days the friends amped up our phone calls sharing any information we gathered or waiting impatiently for whatever scraps of news were being shared about this situation. my heart, and that of the many people who had had the pleasure of meeting michael, was breaking to hear of this great loss. within a week i had befriended michelle, michaels twin sister, and she kept me posted on any and all news she could. with the exception of lora, none of us had met michelle since she lived in louisiana. i still occasionally talk to michelle to let her know i am thinking of her, and michael, and their family. over the past couple years many honors have been bestowed upon michael or in his memory and michelle has been present to accept them on his behalf. her strength amazes me and i know how proud she is of her brother.

i know that my story of the loss of a friend is not the only, or even hardest story out there. while i know some could be bitter at the loss of a friend i can't think that way. while i will always be sad that i will only be able to see michaels smiling face in a photo or a memory, i know that he died doing what he loved. what an honor! but more than that, it is what he loved that even brought him in to my life to begin with! if the pieces of the puzzles had not aligned when they did... the boys being assigned to come to cgsc at the same time, and in that same year that i was working for the army, living in leavenworth, working at the bar, i may never have had the chance to meet them. so every 4th of july as i thank all of the men and women who serve our country i also say thank you to the us army for giving me the chance to be a better person by putting so many amazing people in my life. one of these people being my friend michael! i love and miss you dearly friend and i hope that you are able to enjoy a cold mgd on a boat upstairs while watching the fireworks down here below tomorrow!

at long last

so it has been almost a year (about 19 days short to be exact) since my last post. so much has happened in that year, far too much for me to write about. however, of late i have been thinking more and more about how i really wanted to start writing again. this time... it won't be about the weight loss. but i feel it necessary for me to finish that journey with you via update (although it is still on going) but then to follow it with my newest post.

about a year ago i decided to stop going to slim 4 life. mostly because i no longer wanted to be looked at disapprovingly for my choices like having a couple beers with friends or going out to eat. it wasn't that i was doing them excessively but even once and they would treat it almost like it was the end of the world. i will still fully support anyone who chooses this program as i think it is a FANTASTIC way to lose weight!!! however, at that point in my life (and to this day) i don't think it is what i need anymore. over the past year i did a fairly decent job of maintaining my weight loss. however about a few months ago i started to realize that my maintaining was hitting the higher end of the scale. i had gone from 197 to about 210-215 depending on the day. i decided to fix this and started to watch what i ate, portion sizes, and all the things i had learned before. i am proud to say i am now down to 193 and am still maintaining the healthy lifestyle so i am still losing. i feel better about myself and i am looking forward to what is to come from this journey. some posts may still pertain to this, but from here on out it will be more about my random thoughts and ramblings.

which leads me to the purpose of tonights post. i have to preface this post with the fact that i am a believer in signs. not in this absolute a sign is the end all be all of things. however i do believe that signs are given to us to show us the way/path we are supposed to travel down. over the past few days one sign has been reoccurring in my life and i feel that perhaps it is time i explore the depths of this sign. at work i am researching the realm of faith and kids/teens. what does faith mean to them, how do they express this, and what helps them grow in their personal faith.

it is not unusual for the work i do to impact my life, but when other aspects about faith start to pop up i can't help but believe that this is a sign. tonight, as i was doing a word search (one of my favorite past times) i realized that the search was for key words from my favorite biblical passage. it is from the book of Ruth 1:16. The passage reads "But Ruth replied "don't urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God me God."

This verse has always been powerful to me. I can't explain why or even begin to explain the emotions that it draws from me, but none the less it has had an impact on me. So imagine my surprise that out of the whole bible this verse pops up at the same time that I am doing so much research on faith. To me this is a sign.

For the past several years i have "strayed" from what i have known to be my religion. i have always kept a faith in God and that higher power but have neglected going to church and fully exploring all the ways that God can be a part of my life. In a sense I guess you could say that I have been "the lamb" that is lost and i can't help but take these signs as God's way of guiding me back to him.

i have decided to start the journey of embracing faith, in whatever sense it is that makes me feel fulfilled, and finding my relationship with God again. this may not sound like a big deal, but to me it is. i feel that it is time that i embrace the relationship that is steadfast and unchanging with my creator. in preparation for this change i can't help but wonder what changes he has in store for my life and where this new journey might lead me. giving up the control of my life is a hard thing for me to face but there is a sense of comfort and need that is brewing from deep inside that is telling me that returning to the church is what is best for me.

now the trick is to find where it is i belong. i have grown up knowing the religion of Lutheran better than others, followed closely by that of the baptist church. while i know a little about other religions, i think now might be the time that explore more and find where my home really lies. my gut tells me that i will fall back in to the Lutheran faith and hold it as what feels the closest to my heart but for now i anticipate the journey that is ahead of me. i know that no matter what "religion" i choose that i have God by my side to support me and guide me to where it is that i belong.

perhaps you are about to embark on your own journey...