in my head, i'm skinny

weigh-in is a scary time. i can see the looks of amazement *shock, gasp* at this statement. in all seriousness though, it really is a difficult time for me. i walk in to the center not knowing if i have gone up, down, or stayed the same (i have experienced all of those results) and stepping on that scale is almost like a moment of horror. it isn't as though the people there judge me if i have gained and they are always super excited for me if i have lost, but it is the personal response i feel inside. if i have gone up or even stayed the same i am so disappointed in my progress, but if i go down i am ecstatic and can't wait to share it (in case you are wondering i went down 1.5lbs today). it isn't like my staying the same is honestly a bad thing, i mean i am realistic enough to know that things aren't just going to melt away in an instant. i think it is more that i question myself on will i make it to my goals or not and how long will it actually take me. sad that the scale is what makes me question my abilities to reach my goals (well at least the ones tied to the weight loss). i don't know that i will ever really be able to beat my fear of the scale, honestly i am scared of it when i am at home too. the nice thing is that i do have my cheerleaders at the center rooting for me when i drop any amount of weight and helping me stay focused on when i gain so i can take it back off.
as for the title of this blog, as most of you know i have pretty much been over weight since i was about 7. call it genetics, call it depression eating, call it the incurably strong sweet tooth that would tell me it is a good idea to eat 3 ice cream cones as a small child. no matter what the cause this is where i have been for over 15 years. yet, when i was younger i thought that i was not as big as i was. my sister, who is in fact a very healthy weight and much thinner than i am (always has been), was my mirror if you will. i looked at her and thought "well she is my sister so i must look like her". this led to my stage that i refer to as my "na-na" stage (some may remember the na-na story). you see when i was younger i would take my sisters clothes that she didn't want anymore and some that she just didn't know i took and i would try to wear them. obviously this isn't a good idea, but none the less i would put these shirts on. unfortunately, they were a bit tight around my belly so i would stretch out the bottom and break the seam to make them less snug. most people will do this a little because the seams are not comfortable around their legs, this is not a problem. the problem occurs when you break the seam so much that the bottom of the shirt starts to roll up because it has nothing holding it down. this happens you when you constantly pull and stretch out that bottom saying "na-na, it fits! see?!?!" thus my na-na stage. luckily i grew out of that stage and learned to wear clothes that fit my body.
that was my fun story of the evening.
my tip for tonight: since the fruit portions i am allowed are limited (i.e. 1/4 c. blueberries or 10 green grapes) there is some creative storing that occurs. in one normal box of blueberries i can get about 8 servings, or a typical bag of grapes provides about 13 servings. forgetting now that fruit goes bad pretty quickly, i don't want to eat blueberries and grapes for the next two weeks. items like this freeze beautifully!!! portion out your servings into zip-loc baggies (i should buy stock in storage bags now) and throw them in the freezer and spread out how often you have your servings. they are perfect for your afternoon snack. it is important to note that once you freeze these, do not let them unfreeze to eat them. they get a little interesting! but they make a great frozen treat! :o) enjoy!!!